As you may have noticed (or may not have- I tend to obsess about details…), my blog has a new look and a new name. Usually, I go with bright colors for my design but I loved this image of a bird flying out of its cage and being FREE! Even though the textures were distressed and the colors were dark, that really made the beauty of the little bird’s freedom even greater. (Yes, I really do read this deeply into the symbolism of blog templates LOL)
I really felt like that little birdy represented me. I am very open about the fact that my life has put me in some very dark places. God challenges and tests all of us to our most fragile extremities. If you haven’t been there yet, you will. If you have or are there right now, you are not alone. I went from happy-Homecoming-Queen-full-ride-scholarship-3.98-GPA-cheerleader-girl to…anorexic-bulimic-on food stamps-sobbing-and-calling-her-husband-everyday-at-work-suicidal-mother-of-3. Crazy, huh? Especially when alcohol and drugs WEREN’T EVEN INVOLVED!!! And I have an incredibly supportive family!! But it can happen to anyone.
This life is meant to be a test, a challenge to stretch us farther than we thought possible or even wanted to go. And I can honestly say now, being on the other side of things, I AM SO GRATEFUL for those experiences. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true. I do feel like I can love others more deeply now. I more empathetic. I appreciate what I have more. I have greater patience and charity for others, especially those in similar circumstances. And I freely express that I think I got off easy, so many people endure daily much more than I had to.
My new outlook on life this year it this- don’t expect everything to be perfect before you do what matters most to you. If I had waited till I felt this depression-free to really kiss and express love to my husband, he would have been waiting for 8 years! He probably wouldn’t have still been around, I don’t think I would have. But through it all, we still were loving and enjoyed the good days as fully as we could, even if that just meant watching a show together on our lumpy couch. 🙂
I’m so glad I apologized each time I yelled at my kids and read them stories and tucked them in when I felt well enough too. There were nights mommy put herself on time-out and couldn’t last till bedtime with a smile on her face, but I didn’t wallow. Ten minutes later were a new ten minutes that could still hold an I-Love-You for my kids that we all needed. Things weren’t perfect, but they didn’t need to be to share love.
“When Life Gets Dark I Look For Stars” is a title I wanted to use for a self-help book with all my stories. I DO NOT have time energy to be trying to write a book right now (not with 2 home business in the works!) but I am not waiting for that “someday” anymore to share what’s helped me physically and emotionally. I’m not waiting for so-called “perfect” scenarios in which to exercise, cook, clean, write books, write symphonies or anything else! I’m just going for it now and living now the best way I can, with no regrets, free.
I may never write a full book, but at least I’ll have kept a blog. I may never perform in a musical again, but at least I’ll perform for my kids (BTW if you want to videos of us dancing LOL make sure you are my friend on facebook!) I may never run a marathon, but all the miles I’ve walked in my living room while watching My Fair Wedding have been great. I may never have a CD for sale on iTunes, but my songs can be on YouTube and that can still help others and be a fun, creative outlet for me. In other words STOP waiting, and START LIVING!
The only person that can cage you up is you. But you are also the one that has the key to set you free.